sarah's blog

Yesterday I was in the kitchen doing something or other and my 15 month old daughter was pushing her cart full of toys she had been alternately collecting and tossing back on the kitchen floor. Her twin brother toddled in and locked in on the cart. He gripped the handle and began edging out his sister with his slightly bigger frame.

Sometimes when this kind of challenge is initiated by one the other gives up quickly and moves off to another toy. But this time, and this seems to be happening more these days, Marlow wasn’t interested in giving up the cart. She held fast and the battle resulted in Soren losing his balance and falling to the floor. He began to sob, and probably not just because of the loss of the cart or the injustice of being sent sprawling on the floor. Toddlers get into funks like grownups, and in those times it seems like nothing goes right. They get accidentally bumped into, they fall more, buttons don’t push, toys don’t make their noises, book pages won’t turn. Life kicks them when they’re down.

So there he was on the floor, life having handed him lemons for a good 30 minutes, which is probably all of his recent memory and therefore he was on a hard, hard journey. And my sweet boy has one sorrowful sad face: big lower lip, eyes closed, puppy-like wail.

Then something happened that I had never seen before, and may never again so I want to remember it. Marlow looked at him, let go of the cart and toddled out of the room. I didn’t think anything of it, often after the damage is done that’s when the toy loses its appeal.

But she quickly returned holding her Blankie.

Blankie is a bright orange blanket given to her by her Great-aunt Eleanor and from the day it arrived in the mail it has eclipsed the blankie she had since she was born. There was an instant love connection and now Blankie sleeps with her, travels with her and must be hidden to prevent it from being dragged around our [dirty] floors all day.

Holding her bundle she toddled (I use this term for their walking because walking doesn’t give the right visual of what it is they’re doing at this point) up to Soren and held out Blankie. He took it from her and held it to his face. His crying stopped and he sat on the floor letting Blankie do its work. Marlow plopped beside him and laid her head on a spare corner of Blankie. They sat together for a minute until Soren was ready to go on and then Blankie was left on the kitchen floor, the only evidence that this moment had existed.

I don’t know what goes on inside those little heads most of the time, but in that moment I saw Marlow recognize sadness and make a connection between feeling sad and something that makes one feel better. She saw her twin brother needing comfort and she knew just the trick. I hope all their lives they remain sensitive to those times when life has got one of them down and they are the first one to come to the rescue. And bring Blankie.

I am window shopping for spring shoes for the twins. They currently wear adorable soft soled corduroy numbers from this Etsy shop (highly recommend, quick shipping, so easy to put on, never come off, made me abandon all their other shoes) but have almost outgrown them and need something for when they hit the parks as new walkers. I think I still want to get another pair of what they have but I’m also looking for something primarily for outdoor activity in a hard wearing fabric that is still comfortable enough to be worn without socks.

I’m taking suggestions but I should warn you, I throw up on goofy looking baby shoes and I won’t pay for Robeez.

Oh and they also can’t be too “loud” because they already hit their max colour allowance when they insist on wearing their favourite coloured toques EVERYWHERE. Like in the kitchen.

Oh sunshine. I never appreciated you until you went away for what seemed like a million years. I know I’m not alone in this and dozens of studies have been done to prove this point but when I wake up on a sunny day after a week of drizzling, cloudy blah-ness I feel like it is the first time I have truly woken up in days. My whole body feels more energized, optimistic. I feel like cleaning things and moving furniture and taking the kids outside doesn’t seem like such a chore.

Today is a sunny day and despite everything else in my life being just the same as it was before the clouds parted, everything feels different. I can’t wait for Spring. Oh and Summer. I think we may finally manage to truly stay in Lower Mainland for the whole season and that thrills me to bits. Having almost-two-year olds in Vancouver in the Summer fills my head with ideas for memory-making family fun.

Maybe our kids will get to touch grass for the first time in like 6 months.

But that’s still months away, today I’ll just enjoy today. Sure, the kid who was falling asleep in her highchair is now wailing in her bed rather than taking that much needed nap, and it’s almost noon and I’m fully debating microwaving the coffee I haven’t finished (I feel the Gastown shame upon me) but somehow even all that seems less of a big deal.

Maybe it’s all the vitamin D I’m absorbing.

I have a dilemma and I need your ideas. Maybe between all of us we can figure out a solution that will look good and hold up against two very determine, crafty one year olds.

See the thing is, I want to put up our Christmas tree this year. It’s not a big tree but it’s most definitely going to draw the attention of certain little people whose mission would be to dismantle it piece by piece, or all in one big CRASH if that could be arranged.

As I said, it’s not a big tree, maybe 4 feet tall? It’s on a four legged stand that makes the total height somewhere around 5 feet. I want to set it up off the ground unless someone has a suggestion for protecting it that doesn’t just involve setting it up in the bathroom.

Here are some [very poor] shots of the corner where I would like it to be. As you can hopefully see there is a ledge that I thought might be a good place to put the tree but it probably not wide enough for the base and the tree would need to be secured somehow. Maybe with those temporary Command hooks and fishing line or something? Anyways it’s kind of an awkward corner but the only one in the living room where the twins hardly ever go because we don’t want them getting to comfortable messing around near the balcony door.

I still have the issue of how to keep Sticky Hands and her accomplice Sneaky Pete from being able to access the tree. So does anyone have any ideas that have worked for you, that you’ve seen or you just thought now? Options for tree placement/security and child-deterents are welcome.

And yes, invisible electric fences will be considered as viable options.

Can you spot the cloth diaper bum…

Well that plan didn’t last long. Can we just start out by scratching everything I said in that last post? That seems to be how most of my best-laid plans go since we had kids, as soon as they are made something happens to change everything and I have to start over with a new idea.

As it turns out, folks, this is just not the year for trying my all-online shopping plan. Normally, living far from family means online shopping saves time and money and makes it possible to make sure there are gifts under the tree in various cities in time for Christmas Day. But this year we’re having visitors from both families and that means the real time/money saver is to hit the stores in our neighbourhood early, wrap our purchases and send them home with family members. Saves shipping, forces us to get it done early and still gets those gifts under those trees.

So yet again this year due to circumstances, however happy, we are shopping both online and in person. So far we were able to send two gifts home with Jakki, purchase four online and plan to send gifts for my whole family home with my parents who arrive in less than a week!

As much as I wanted to try to shop online, it just makes sense to do it this way. Our neighbourhood is full of cute shops and unique gifts so to purchase them from far away when I know they exist one block over doesn’t seem to have enough of an upside, even if it means I wouldn’t have to leave my home.

Another point I’d like to bring up is that Christmas shopping is likely less stressful when done very early. I think I’ll find that going to stores is not nearly the beating that Metrotown was for me last year because I am there in early November, not mid-December. Oh, and it’s not a mall. Oh and my kids are one, not 2 months.

So goodbye online shopping plan, hello just get it done early.

I have been thinking about Christmas and starting early to pace myself for awhile now. I’ve tried it in the past with some success but I need to turn it up a notch this year, for two obvious reasons.

So when I read a post today on a blog I frequent I knew it was a sign to switch into high gear. I tend to agree with the author, it’s the gift buying, second guessing purchases and wrapping that slow me down and drag on until the last minute. I love the decorating so that is always done in a day, babies or no babies. Even last year with two month old twins still eating every three hours I didn’t neglect my holiday decor. It would take a lot more than that to keep those two green tubs on a storage room shelf through December.

So knowing what I know about gift giving stress, here’s my plan of attack. I’ve always wanted to try buying everything online and I think this may be the year to do it. Not that I can’t take the twins out for some shopping but a) they are too young to enjoy the holiday spirit and b) it is stressful to be bound by the clock, nap times, the hunger/impatience/ants-in-the-pants of two one year olds.

So I’m going to try it. I’ve made my list of people to shop for and some preliminary ideas. I’ve even purchased a gift for my nephews already. I predict I still run into the problem of indecision (is it just me or are there certain people in our lives who are SO easy to think of a gift for that they are actually the hardest ones for which to settle on just one thing??) and I’ll have to do my research to stay away from expensive shipping/stores that don’t ship to Canada, but I think it can be done.

First stop, Etsy. I’m a fan of small businesses and one-of-a-kind gifts and I think that’s the place I want to start.

As for me and my Christmas wish list… that’s another whole post which I am itching to write and will hopefully do so this afternoon. That makes me sound greedy but in truth it actually leads into a bit of bigger discussion I’ve wanted to have with you. Or this blog. Or myself if I’m the only one here.

In just over a week we’ll be attending the wedding of John’s sister, Ashleigh. John is a groomsman and I am in charge of making sure we’re all dressed, napped, fed and hopefully smiling for family pictures.

On that topic, I put together some little outfits for the babies that I think will be pretty adorable. I did a lot of looking online and had a hard time making decisions because good baby clothes are expensive and I don’t want to be buying something that will get used once. Special occasion clothing is different when you’re growing a size every few months. Sure, I can invest in a nice dress because I can use it again for the next wedding but there is nothing investment about kids clothing.

So I tried to stick with as many items as we already owned and bought only things I could use beyond just a wedding day. I had my eye on this dress from Zara but it was too new and not in stock yet so I had to go with a plan B which I think, in the end, is actually more versatile.

The outfits aren’t super formal but I think in the end they reflect the bride’s style sensibilities better that way. If I could do anything again I would have pulled the trigger sooner on some things I liked on Etsy (like this gorgeous frock that absolutely broke my heart to pass up, or some Gracious May shoes) but I thought about it too long and ran out of shipping time.

Can’t wait to have pictures of my bitty ones looking warm, comfy and ready for a lovely Autumn wedding.

Here are the specs.

Marlow
Gray sweater, Old Navy (already owned)
Brown knitted dress with bow, Zara
Navy blue paten leather shoes, Joe
Navy tights, Old Navy (not shown, already owned)

Soren
Onesie with vest and bowtie, custom Etsy listing by Niksicle’s shop Teeny Punks (I picked the bowtie fabric)
Jeans, The Gap (already owned and ya, they are his sister’s. That’s the deal with skinny jeans yo.)
Brown shoes, swap meet (already owned)

It seems like a good time for a photo post. Most of my favorites end up immediately on Instagram but hundreds more wait on my iphone for a good time to share.

I chose some recent ones of my sweet boy, the only and only fair-haired dimple-cheeked Soren Joshua. He’s almost 11 months old (think not quite 10 months for this 5 week preemie) and it is already hard to remember him as that 4 pound bitty boy who we lovingly called our Benjamin Button.

Intense would be a good way to describe him. He concentrates hard, yells loud and wriggles free of the strongest grasp. Yet pick him up from his nap and he is a sweaty-haired cuddle bug who will lay his head on my shoulder and let me rock him for awhile.

Lord help us all when this boy figures out he can walk.

Click on the images to see them a bit larger

My husband has a job that changes with the school year and that meant when the Fall semester came along it was time to let go of his work from home days and embrace a few days a week when I’ll do bedtimes on my own.

And by let go I mean pry it out of my white-knuckle grasp.

And by embrace I mean form a 3 cup a day coffee habit and figure out how to solo assembly line feed-bath-cloth-rock-put down two wriggling little squirmballs.

Some might say, just line up a helper for those nights. Ah yes, the helper. The journey to accepting help is a post completely unto itself as is the concept of trying to do bedtime with two babies and a person who they don’t know/hasn’t put them to bed before. Let’s just say that is not a simple answer and it does not solve everything, especially for me.

I remember the first time I had to put both babies down for the night by myself. They were still very young, maybe 4 months old I think? I should back up and preface this by saying I have a little bit of a problem with anxiety when it comes to things I don’t want to do/don’t think I can do/am pretty sure are going to end badly. As soon as I knew I would be on my own I felt that knot in my stomach begin to grow. I had no idea how I was going to get through the evening.

And it was a disaster. There was screaming and crying and throwing up. And the babies were pretty upset, too. HA.

The thing with twins is you just can’t explain to a tiny baby why they have to wait. They don’t know there’s another one that needs her diaper changed, or has to get a bath too, or can’t be left in the other room. From the day they were born there have been these delays between everything we do with one of them because we have to deal with the other and they just don’t know why they keep getting put on hold.

I long for the day when I can say “wait right here, I have to go get your sister” and it communicates the reason why they are being left alone. They still may not like it but at least I won’t always get the sense that they think I am abandoning them right when they need me.

So where was I… oh yes, the first bedtime on my own was terrible. Made only slightly less so by the fact that we had a very consistent bedtime routine even at that young age and as long as I stuck to the script they were going to go to sleep.

Eventually.

Oh the crying. I’m not sure you ever really get used to the sound of two babies screaming over each other. Many times in their early days I would just sit own on the couch in the middle of the wailing and have myself a little cry too. It was the only thing I could do.

That, and text my husband. I remember texting him that they were both crying and wouldn’t drink their bottles and I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t do anything and the world was going to end and we were all going to die of starvation and sleep deprivation because they wouldn’t eat or sleep and where was he and could he please come home. It was not my first nor sadly my last irrational text message to that poor man.

I fed them their bottles simultaneously every morning. I have photographic evidence that this was my method.

It worked perfectly. Until that night. They squirmed and cried and choked and seemed to move further away from sleep by the minute. I just couldn’t make anything work that had always worked and being the only adult in the house just served to increase my panic. Just writing about it brings back that awful, sick, hopeless feeling.

But you know what happened… well, I just tried something else because I had to, didn’t I. I put Marlow in the swing with her pacifier and her blanket and turned it on and let her cry. I gathered up Soren, got him calmed down enough to take his bottle and he fell peacefully asleep. By the time I came back from putting him in bed, Marlow had fallen asleep in the swing! I gave her her bottle and popped her into bed. They had a few more rough moments but before J was home everything was done.

This wasn’t the last time I had to do this, and it wasn’t the worst either. There were nights when J was out of town and I had to do bedtime, bottles throughout the night and morning. There were times when they wouldn’t stop crying and wouldn’t sleep. There were times when my anxiety was so great that I lost my appetite and couldn’t sleep. But the thing I began to realize over time is that 1) it never lasts forever and 2) I can do things that I didn’t think I could.

So does it get easier now that they’re almost a year older? In some ways, yes. But I think what has changed the most is me. I have all these experiences of survival behind me. I have the failed experiments at certain routines. I have all the knowledge of my kids and their little quirks and what works best for each of them. And most of all, I don’t fear that I can’t do because I will do it. I have to. I’ve had to since they were born. I just do it and it’s not always pretty but it never lasts forever.

Today was a fantastic day. My kids napped well and ate well and traveled in the car so well. We skyped with Nana and Grandpa and had baths and bottles and into bed where there were no tears. Not one. Only hiccups.

It took a long time to get to this place, for all of us. And there is no way we ever EVER would have without my husband. But he can’t be here all the time, despite my personal preference. His work is important to him and has value. And I needed to learn how to do things at home on my own. So I can stop sending irrational text messages to my husband and free him up from feeling like he’s leaving me in an impossible situation.

Because believe it or not, I have discovered that solo assembly line feeding-bathing-clothing-rocking-putting down two wriggling little squirmballs is not only possible, but sometimes even very satisfying.