sarah's blog

I am window shopping for spring shoes for the twins. They currently wear adorable soft soled corduroy numbers from this Etsy shop (highly recommend, quick shipping, so easy to put on, never come off, made me abandon all their other shoes) but have almost outgrown them and need something for when they hit the parks as new walkers. I think I still want to get another pair of what they have but I’m also looking for something primarily for outdoor activity in a hard wearing fabric that is still comfortable enough to be worn without socks.

I’m taking suggestions but I should warn you, I throw up on goofy looking baby shoes and I won’t pay for Robeez.

Oh and they also can’t be too “loud” because they already hit their max colour allowance when they insist on wearing their favourite coloured toques EVERYWHERE. Like in the kitchen.

Of all the posts I could be, should be writing right now I have sat down to write about the strangest of all of them.

You see today while the twins were taking their one nap (two of which they actually need and were therefore a hot. mess. tonight,) I caught up on a episode of Sister Wives that I had recorded a few days ago.

Yes, I know. Before you think I’ve become a polygamist or something, hear me out.

In this episode the newest wife Robin (#4) has her baby boy, Solomon, and we observe how different parts of the family react through the process. Some of the older kids seemed to feel pretty disconnected from this newest wife and this half brother of theirs, while some were moved to tears when they held him. One wife admitted she doesn’t get too emotional about babies and didn’t really want to be woken up to meet him (though she did come anyways) while another made a gift to let everyone know she was accepting him into her family with open arms despite earlier reservations.

But then there was Meri, the first wife, married to her/their husband for over 20 years. She has only one daughter, a teenager now, and despite years of hoping and several disappointments, she was never able to have more. Meri was the catalyst for Robin joining the family and the two really clicked, forming a bond closer than she felt with the other wives, though she encouraged them joining the family too.

Seeing Meri’s love for Robin and watching her practically jumping out of her skin with joy as she and her only daughter rushed to see Solomon with gifts in hand, set the stage for a moving moment I never expected. Just hours after Robin had her baby, as Meri held him, Robin asked to speak to Meri alone.

In that moment she told Meri that she wanted to offer her the gift of being her surrogate if she wanted to accept it.

She said she had prayed about it since she first met Meri and that she was absolutely sure. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I saw, despite what we would expect to exist between these two women, the depth of love and grace being offered. She had JUST had a baby, naturally, at home and she was already prepared to do it again to give someone else, a person she shares her husband with, that same moment.

I say all this not to convince you to watch the show or support the Brown family or approve of polygamy. Because of my personal faith I would not practice polygamy nor encourage others to do so. For me this wasn’t about their lifestyle choice. What I came away with was an overwhelming sense of sacrificial love.

I face far less and yet they often humble me with their willingness to lay themselves down for someone else, constantly compromising and committed for a lifetime to their families.

Would I be able to offer that? Would I be able to accept that offer? Would I pursue a relationship of love and grace despite difficult circumstances they way these women do?

Seeing the look on Meri’s face as the weight of what she was being offered washed over her I knew I would want to do the same for someone I loved if I had that opportunity.

I have a dilemma and I need your ideas. Maybe between all of us we can figure out a solution that will look good and hold up against two very determine, crafty one year olds.

See the thing is, I want to put up our Christmas tree this year. It’s not a big tree but it’s most definitely going to draw the attention of certain little people whose mission would be to dismantle it piece by piece, or all in one big CRASH if that could be arranged.

As I said, it’s not a big tree, maybe 4 feet tall? It’s on a four legged stand that makes the total height somewhere around 5 feet. I want to set it up off the ground unless someone has a suggestion for protecting it that doesn’t just involve setting it up in the bathroom.

Here are some [very poor] shots of the corner where I would like it to be. As you can hopefully see there is a ledge that I thought might be a good place to put the tree but it probably not wide enough for the base and the tree would need to be secured somehow. Maybe with those temporary Command hooks and fishing line or something? Anyways it’s kind of an awkward corner but the only one in the living room where the twins hardly ever go because we don’t want them getting to comfortable messing around near the balcony door.

I still have the issue of how to keep Sticky Hands and her accomplice Sneaky Pete from being able to access the tree. So does anyone have any ideas that have worked for you, that you’ve seen or you just thought now? Options for tree placement/security and child-deterents are welcome.

And yes, invisible electric fences will be considered as viable options.

Can you spot the cloth diaper bum…

I have been thinking about Christmas and starting early to pace myself for awhile now. I’ve tried it in the past with some success but I need to turn it up a notch this year, for two obvious reasons.

So when I read a post today on a blog I frequent I knew it was a sign to switch into high gear. I tend to agree with the author, it’s the gift buying, second guessing purchases and wrapping that slow me down and drag on until the last minute. I love the decorating so that is always done in a day, babies or no babies. Even last year with two month old twins still eating every three hours I didn’t neglect my holiday decor. It would take a lot more than that to keep those two green tubs on a storage room shelf through December.

So knowing what I know about gift giving stress, here’s my plan of attack. I’ve always wanted to try buying everything online and I think this may be the year to do it. Not that I can’t take the twins out for some shopping but a) they are too young to enjoy the holiday spirit and b) it is stressful to be bound by the clock, nap times, the hunger/impatience/ants-in-the-pants of two one year olds.

So I’m going to try it. I’ve made my list of people to shop for and some preliminary ideas. I’ve even purchased a gift for my nephews already. I predict I still run into the problem of indecision (is it just me or are there certain people in our lives who are SO easy to think of a gift for that they are actually the hardest ones for which to settle on just one thing??) and I’ll have to do my research to stay away from expensive shipping/stores that don’t ship to Canada, but I think it can be done.

First stop, Etsy. I’m a fan of small businesses and one-of-a-kind gifts and I think that’s the place I want to start.

As for me and my Christmas wish list… that’s another whole post which I am itching to write and will hopefully do so this afternoon. That makes me sound greedy but in truth it actually leads into a bit of bigger discussion I’ve wanted to have with you. Or this blog. Or myself if I’m the only one here.

In just over a week we’ll be attending the wedding of John’s sister, Ashleigh. John is a groomsman and I am in charge of making sure we’re all dressed, napped, fed and hopefully smiling for family pictures.

On that topic, I put together some little outfits for the babies that I think will be pretty adorable. I did a lot of looking online and had a hard time making decisions because good baby clothes are expensive and I don’t want to be buying something that will get used once. Special occasion clothing is different when you’re growing a size every few months. Sure, I can invest in a nice dress because I can use it again for the next wedding but there is nothing investment about kids clothing.

So I tried to stick with as many items as we already owned and bought only things I could use beyond just a wedding day. I had my eye on this dress from Zara but it was too new and not in stock yet so I had to go with a plan B which I think, in the end, is actually more versatile.

The outfits aren’t super formal but I think in the end they reflect the bride’s style sensibilities better that way. If I could do anything again I would have pulled the trigger sooner on some things I liked on Etsy (like this gorgeous frock that absolutely broke my heart to pass up, or some Gracious May shoes) but I thought about it too long and ran out of shipping time.

Can’t wait to have pictures of my bitty ones looking warm, comfy and ready for a lovely Autumn wedding.

Here are the specs.

Marlow
Gray sweater, Old Navy (already owned)
Brown knitted dress with bow, Zara
Navy blue paten leather shoes, Joe
Navy tights, Old Navy (not shown, already owned)

Soren
Onesie with vest and bowtie, custom Etsy listing by Niksicle’s shop Teeny Punks (I picked the bowtie fabric)
Jeans, The Gap (already owned and ya, they are his sister’s. That’s the deal with skinny jeans yo.)
Brown shoes, swap meet (already owned)

It seems like a good time for a photo post. Most of my favorites end up immediately on Instagram but hundreds more wait on my iphone for a good time to share.

I chose some recent ones of my sweet boy, the only and only fair-haired dimple-cheeked Soren Joshua. He’s almost 11 months old (think not quite 10 months for this 5 week preemie) and it is already hard to remember him as that 4 pound bitty boy who we lovingly called our Benjamin Button.

Intense would be a good way to describe him. He concentrates hard, yells loud and wriggles free of the strongest grasp. Yet pick him up from his nap and he is a sweaty-haired cuddle bug who will lay his head on my shoulder and let me rock him for awhile.

Lord help us all when this boy figures out he can walk.

Click on the images to see them a bit larger

My husband has a job that changes with the school year and that meant when the Fall semester came along it was time to let go of his work from home days and embrace a few days a week when I’ll do bedtimes on my own.

And by let go I mean pry it out of my white-knuckle grasp.

And by embrace I mean form a 3 cup a day coffee habit and figure out how to solo assembly line feed-bath-cloth-rock-put down two wriggling little squirmballs.

Some might say, just line up a helper for those nights. Ah yes, the helper. The journey to accepting help is a post completely unto itself as is the concept of trying to do bedtime with two babies and a person who they don’t know/hasn’t put them to bed before. Let’s just say that is not a simple answer and it does not solve everything, especially for me.

I remember the first time I had to put both babies down for the night by myself. They were still very young, maybe 4 months old I think? I should back up and preface this by saying I have a little bit of a problem with anxiety when it comes to things I don’t want to do/don’t think I can do/am pretty sure are going to end badly. As soon as I knew I would be on my own I felt that knot in my stomach begin to grow. I had no idea how I was going to get through the evening.

And it was a disaster. There was screaming and crying and throwing up. And the babies were pretty upset, too. HA.

The thing with twins is you just can’t explain to a tiny baby why they have to wait. They don’t know there’s another one that needs her diaper changed, or has to get a bath too, or can’t be left in the other room. From the day they were born there have been these delays between everything we do with one of them because we have to deal with the other and they just don’t know why they keep getting put on hold.

I long for the day when I can say “wait right here, I have to go get your sister” and it communicates the reason why they are being left alone. They still may not like it but at least I won’t always get the sense that they think I am abandoning them right when they need me.

So where was I… oh yes, the first bedtime on my own was terrible. Made only slightly less so by the fact that we had a very consistent bedtime routine even at that young age and as long as I stuck to the script they were going to go to sleep.

Eventually.

Oh the crying. I’m not sure you ever really get used to the sound of two babies screaming over each other. Many times in their early days I would just sit own on the couch in the middle of the wailing and have myself a little cry too. It was the only thing I could do.

That, and text my husband. I remember texting him that they were both crying and wouldn’t drink their bottles and I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t do anything and the world was going to end and we were all going to die of starvation and sleep deprivation because they wouldn’t eat or sleep and where was he and could he please come home. It was not my first nor sadly my last irrational text message to that poor man.

I fed them their bottles simultaneously every morning. I have photographic evidence that this was my method.

It worked perfectly. Until that night. They squirmed and cried and choked and seemed to move further away from sleep by the minute. I just couldn’t make anything work that had always worked and being the only adult in the house just served to increase my panic. Just writing about it brings back that awful, sick, hopeless feeling.

But you know what happened… well, I just tried something else because I had to, didn’t I. I put Marlow in the swing with her pacifier and her blanket and turned it on and let her cry. I gathered up Soren, got him calmed down enough to take his bottle and he fell peacefully asleep. By the time I came back from putting him in bed, Marlow had fallen asleep in the swing! I gave her her bottle and popped her into bed. They had a few more rough moments but before J was home everything was done.

This wasn’t the last time I had to do this, and it wasn’t the worst either. There were nights when J was out of town and I had to do bedtime, bottles throughout the night and morning. There were times when they wouldn’t stop crying and wouldn’t sleep. There were times when my anxiety was so great that I lost my appetite and couldn’t sleep. But the thing I began to realize over time is that 1) it never lasts forever and 2) I can do things that I didn’t think I could.

So does it get easier now that they’re almost a year older? In some ways, yes. But I think what has changed the most is me. I have all these experiences of survival behind me. I have the failed experiments at certain routines. I have all the knowledge of my kids and their little quirks and what works best for each of them. And most of all, I don’t fear that I can’t do because I will do it. I have to. I’ve had to since they were born. I just do it and it’s not always pretty but it never lasts forever.

Today was a fantastic day. My kids napped well and ate well and traveled in the car so well. We skyped with Nana and Grandpa and had baths and bottles and into bed where there were no tears. Not one. Only hiccups.

It took a long time to get to this place, for all of us. And there is no way we ever EVER would have without my husband. But he can’t be here all the time, despite my personal preference. His work is important to him and has value. And I needed to learn how to do things at home on my own. So I can stop sending irrational text messages to my husband and free him up from feeling like he’s leaving me in an impossible situation.

Because believe it or not, I have discovered that solo assembly line feeding-bathing-clothing-rocking-putting down two wriggling little squirmballs is not only possible, but sometimes even very satisfying.

Last weekend we got the invite to go hang out on Bowen Island with John’s sister, Adrianne and our brother-in-law Gordie and their two boys. They were housesitting so we took the ferry over from Horseshoe Bay to keep them company overnight.

It was a perfect couple days weather wise and our kids loved the island experience. Soren especially really thrives in the outdoors and we all kept commenting on how content he seemed to be. Whether they were playing by themselves on the floor, going to the beach with John or into town with me they really made the two days so relaxing for us.

All the kids were down by about 7pm and the four of us ate on the patio. It definitely hit us that we hadn’t been able to do something like this since before we all had kids. We used to have meals like this together all the time and we miss it. This led the conversation down the path of communal living which did seem really tempting since Gord made his usual killer supper  and breakfast and presumably this would occur all the time.

If we can’t share a house maybe at least we could be close enough for the baby monitors to reach?

The only hitch was the overnight part which involved about an hour of crying and struggling to go back to sleep on the part of Soren and a middle of the night cry/bottle for the littlest cousin, Quinn. At one point around 4:30am all four adults were up and crossing paths in the kitchen as we worked on keeping/getting all the kids to sleep.

We were understandably a bit tired the next morning but we still visited the outdoor market, ate fish and chips by the water and the guys got in a quick dip in the water before it was time to head home.

It felt like a really mini vacation. If money were no object let me tell you we would have a place on Bowen tomorrow. Sigh.

I’m always confused about how and when and where to post about my kids. I have avenues for sharing with family that are more private than Facebook or an open blog and that’s good. But this is my blog to write about whatever I want to and often times that’s those two little munchkins.

And I know you might be thinking, Sarah, you have already posted about your kids here and here. And here. Wow, and here You have a tag for it for goodness sakes. This is all true, I have dabbled in writing about them. But then I kind of stopped, again mostly because of the confusion about where one does write about things like learning to pick up their own cheerios and their first ferry ride and the fact that Marlow knows how to give me kisses.

But I’m not a mommy blogger [breath sigh of relief] but I am a mommy so when I blog sometimes it’s about that. I used to have a blog completely devoted to the time when we were praying for our kids, which at that time in our minds was kid singular, and then expecting our kids and then adjusting to our kids. But after awhile the time felt right to end that conversation for now and move on. Not that the experience had ended for me, heck it was just beginning, but that chapter was pretty unique and cool and awful and intense and it felt kind of like I wrote a book and it was time to end it. Maybe it would need a few sequels a la Harry Potter but you can’t put it all in the first book, right?

So this blog is my Chamber of Secrets? Yikes, let’s hope not. I guess what I mean is this is the place I have to blog and I’ve always used it very loosely and randomly and now I have sort of avoided posting about motherhood for fear that it will take over the blog the way it kind took over my facebook and that’s not really what I want. I want to strike a balance. To share how my kids are doing as it relates to me and our lives together. Maybe tell a few funny stories or share accomplishments. But to mommy blog? No, not for me.

And it can’t be their online baby book either because, for one thing, they are almost one so I’d have a heck of a lot of catching up to do, and two, that kind of thing belongs in a private, locked down blog/photobook/old-school handwritten baby book more than in the public domain. Babies and the internet are a complicated thing: it’s your story to tell but at the same time it isn’t. It’s a dance I do every day and often wonder if I make the right choices.

So hmmm… my point… oh ya… I am going to blog about my kids a bit. But the site still has my name on it so until they’re old enough to get their own (Lord help us all) we’ll make it mostly about me. The mommy.